Alternative Computer Terminology
By D.J. Arneson
Copyright (c) 1994 Apple Users' Group, Sydney
Republished from Applecations, a publication of the Apple Users' Group, Sydney, Australia.
From "The Official Computer Hater's Handbook"
By D.J. Arneson, Dell Publishing Company, 1983.
BYTE - short for "buy it". Refers to how many peripherals you'll have to purchase to support a computer (e.g. there are 8 "buy it", 16 "buy it", or 64 "buy it" computers).
CARRIAGE RETURN - what you do if you decide not to keep the kid.
COLD BOOT - what a programmer puts on feet in winter.
COMPUTER SCIENCE - the fastest growing voodoo art course in colleges and universities today.
DATA - a nice Italian girl.
DOWN - said of a computer made feathers: "that computer is down"
ELECTRONIC MAIL - post office jargon for anything delivered in less than a week.
EXPANSION SLOTS - the extra holes in your belt buckle.
FLOPPY DISK - serious curvature of the spine.
FRIENDLY - said of anything associated with computers that is difficult to understand or does not work the way it says it will.
INTELLIGENT - a hypothetical term used in computing.
INTERLACE - to tie two boots together.
INTERPRETER - the person you take with you to the computer store to help you understand what the salesman is talking about; usually a twelve year old kid.
KEYPAD - an apartment with a lock.
KEYWORD - "your place or mine?"
LIGHT PEN - a minimum sentence prison.
LINE FEED - "I've never met anyone as interesting as you before", etc.
MENU - an itemised list of ways to make a mistake on a computer.
MULTI PROCESSING - to cook statistics more than once.
NETWORK - what fishermen do when not fishing.
OUTPUT DEVICE - a word processor who can't say "no!"
PERIPHERAL - anything that costs a lot of money that can remotely be associated with computers.
PROGRAM - a random accumulation of bugs.
PROGRAM COUNTER - a parent who limits how much TV you watch.
RAM - where most of the bugs are kept.
ROM - where you put all the bugs that won't fit in the RAM.
ROUTINE - a program that never works the same way twice.
SILICON - a foolish prisoner.
SKEW - interface between consenting computers.
SKEW FAILURE - premature calculation.
SOFTWARE - what hackers wear under their hardware.
SUPERFICHE - Moby Dick, Jaws, etc.
TERMINAL INTELLIGENCE - to be so smart it kills you.
TIME SHARING - what you do when only one of you has a watch.
VARIABLE - anything with a fixed value you thought would change.
WORD PROCESSING - to change the meanings of words, e.g. to make the simplest communication completely unintelligible.
WORK STATION - a desk with a dumb terminal sitting at a computer.
ZAP - the ultimate bug killer.
Hooray! You've mastered the lingo! Now, just remember: Those who can, compute. Those who cannot, program. Those who can't program, write manuals. Those who can't write manuals, sell computers!

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