Which language is right for you?
Anonymous
Copyright (c) 1992 Apple Users' Group, Sydney
Republished from Applecations, a publication of the Apple Users' Group, Sydney, Australia.
In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning the competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising comparisons to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises. We hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.
Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarette.
APL: GN </ FT ^ BLT
BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and falls off.
BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.
C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.
csh: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.
dBase: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway since no exception-processing was anticipated.
Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.
PL/I: After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot.
Smalltalk, Actor: After playing with the graphics for three weeks the programming manager shoots you in the head.
Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out what you did.
Pascal: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your foot is the wrong type and out of range to boot!
ORCA/C: Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!
Anyone claiming one language is better than another: You shoot yourself in the foot and blow off your head because of where you had put your foot.

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